Author Topic: Phrasing  (Read 76 times)

Viperion

  • Handler
  • *****
  • Posts: 534
    • View Profile
Phrasing
« on: January 04, 2018, 12:12:48 AM »
Writing up a fluff piece* for my campaign and I wrote this:
Quote
Fabius is staunchly loyal to the King and the monarchy, so much so that itís not uncommon to hear jokes about how Fabiusí mouth moves when the King flexes his fingers.

But I'm not sure it conveys the mental image I'm trying to inspire. Other versions in spoilers below, but I think they're a bit sledgehammerish and take away the cleverness of it:

Spoiler: show
Fabius is staunchly loyal to the King and the monarchy, so much so that he is regarded as a puppet and  itís not uncommon to hear jokes about how Fabiusí mouth moves when the King flexes his fingers.

Fabius is staunchly loyal to the King and the monarchy, so much so that itís not uncommon to hear jokes about how Fabiusí mouth moves and his ass hurts when the King flexes his fingers.


Which would you fine editing folks use?

*fluff piece; will be 20 pages and 40 hours work by the time I'm done....

Wolverine

  • Control
  • ******
  • Posts: 3878
  • I want to smoke a fairy
    • View Profile
    • Geek-Life Balance (my personal blog)
Re: Phrasing
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2018, 01:49:44 AM »
For me, the 'staunchly loyal' isn't gelling with him being seen as a puppet. Maybe if you changed the joke to him being a lapdog instead of a puppet?

Example: "Fabius is staunchly loyal to the King and the monarchy, so much so that itís not uncommon to hear jokes about how Fabius will roll over/sit/other dog trick at the merest suggestion from the King."
"Dickhead books?"
 -Patrick Kapera wrestling with the New Zealand accent

Mister Andersen 2.0

  • Agent
  • ***
  • Posts: 231
  • Heading for a destination I still don't know
    • View Profile
Re: Phrasing
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2018, 04:01:48 AM »
Fabius is sufficiently vocal in his support of the king that people joke about every time the King's fingers twitch they're expecting to Fabius's lips move