Back to Crafty Games Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
November 23, 2014, 02:32:10 AM
Home Help Search Login Register
News: Welcome to the Crafty Games Forums!

Note to New Members: To combat spam, we have instituted new rules: you must post 5 replies to existing threads before you can create new threads.

+  Crafty Games Forum
|-+  Community
| |-+  Fiction and Story Hour
| | |-+  Dreams- Chapter 2
« previous next »
Pages: [1] Go Down Print
Author Topic: Dreams- Chapter 2  (Read 2607 times)
bull30548
Recruit
*
Posts: 18




View Profile
« on: June 26, 2007, 09:35:52 AM »

Barcelona, Spain:

   Strolling in out of the rain; dressed appropriately for the weather with a black trench coat and hat.  Nodding to the barkeep, Kyle moves to the center booth and sits facing the door.  Pulling out the phone Click had given him, he makes a phone call; using the Bluetooth device on his ear to keep it quiet.  Another gentleman strolls in, putting his umbrella to the side and slips into the center booth facing Kyle.  Kyle disconnects his call, and looks at the man not recognizing him at all.

“You know I heard the weather was nice this time of year here.” Kyle says nonchalantly.

“It gets better with time like anything else isn’t that correct?’ responds the gentleman across from him.

“Nice to meet you good sir, I take it you are going to take me to the meeting spot?” Kyle whispers as the barkeep brings out some coffee for them both.

“No, actually I am here to tell you to move on to Staten Island to conclude your trip.  We believe that your old email accounts have been flagged and cracked by now.  I was half expecting to come across you in the middle of a brawl or requesting a clean up.”, the man responds as he sips his coffee.

“Well, it looks like you might end up being right; unless you brought backup.” Kyle moves the coffee up and to the right with three fingers.

“No I didn’t, but they did two more just came in through the back door.” the man says still being casual.

“Well, I guess they just want to say their peace and leave, but that probably ends up with both us dead.  For the bruises you are about to gain; I sincerely apologize, but they don’t know you’re my contact yet.  This should keep you pretty safe to escape in the ensuing fight.” replies Kyle.

Having spread his hands out during the conversation, Kyle grasps the edges of the table and hurls it at the bar.  The barkeep seeks cover, as he is nearly hit by the coffee cups, and the few patrons still in the bar to scurry out.  The confused man is suddenly hefted up out of the bench by Kyle who is now rather scary looking.

“What do you mean you don’t have my money?” Kyle shouts loudly at the man. 

In an impressive sight, he hurls him over the table and the other side of the bar.  There is a loud shout from back there; as he lands rather roughly on the barkeep.  Seeing the three men with there hands under their coats, Kyle doesn’t waste a single move.  His first picks up a beer mug, and hurls it with enough force to shatter it as it impacts one thugs head.  This is followed up by the table; that propels another thug back out the door, and sends the other diving for cover.  Kyle uses the momentum of the spin; to bring him to facing the other two thugs.  Thugs with guns he notices, as he squats down shots whistling overhead.  Launching himself forward, Kyle lashes out with a kick to the guy on the right sides chest.  This sends the gunman hurtling out the back door, with a loud crack as he goes through it.  His partner turns to get a bead on Kyle and fires again, but Kyle’s momentum put him past the shot.  Kyle spins and catches his wrist, as he continues to try to get a bead on him with the gun.  Continuing the spin, he flings the other man out the door to join his friend.  Turning around again, Kyle’s forehead meets the barrel of a gun from the third guy; who dodged out of the way.  Closing his eyes, Kyle seems to be relaxing his breathing; as the gunman talks.

“Stupid Psion punk you really thought you could handle five guys with guns single-handedly?” the gunman cocks back the gun.
“Well, I used to be better at this than I am; to be honest I am quite rusty.” Kyle says as he opens his eyes then closes them again taking another deep breath.
“None of your special tricks will let you dodge a bullet at this range old man.  I got you dead to rights and you have to admit that.”
“I would of, if you hadn’t given me a few moments to get my act together.” Kyle smiles as he feels his arms strengthen.
“Wha…” is all the guy has time to say as Kyle knocks the gun down making it go off into his chest not his head.  The bullet sinks in then just seems to bounce off as Kyle flexes a muscle.

Having a grip on the man’s wrist, Kyle spins him and pins him to the floor, coming down so hard; every bone in the man’s hand and arm shatter at least once.  Catching the gun, as it falls from his pain wracked hand Kyle stands up.  Pointing it at the man as he rolls on his back; clutching his arm trying to put it back together it seems.

“Now who do you work for my dear boy?” Kyle says rather coldly, looking the man dead in the eye right down the sight of the gun.
“Arrrrgghhh, why should I tell you?” the man grinds out through clinched teeth.
As if to answer, Kyle presses a foot down on the man’s broken forearm; a very distinct pop rings out at the elbow.  The man screams out in pain, and tries to pull his arm out from under the foot.
“Well to be honest you probably shouldn’t; but now you know I am not a nice man.  Now spill it, before I add a gun shot wound to your list of injuries.”
“Grrrrrrr, P.E.R.I.L…. we work for them and sent us here to this location, to confirm you’re here and kill you.” the minion finally pulls his arm out from Kyle’s foot. 
Shooting the man through the hand as his response; the man cries out in pain. “Ahhhh, stop it man I am telling the truth.  They didn’t believe you had survived the explosion in Hong Kong.  They thought this might be some poser or look alike.  We were to engage and terminate you, either way that is all I know.”
“Well, that I do believe to be the truth kid; is there a photo that you had to recognize me by?” Kyle has moved back some to let the guy sit up.
“No, we had to memorize it and destroy the file without printing it.”, he takes the hint and sit up slowly resting his arm in his lap and holding his shoulder.
“Good, less trouble for me then; time to go to that endless dream kid.” Kyle replies as he puts a bullet in the guy’s head.  Walking up, he puts another about where the heart should be on a body.
Walking around, Kyle does the same to everyone; excluding the barkeeper and his contact.  Putting the gun on the bartender’s chest, he picks up the contact and drags him out the back door.  As the rain splashes down on them, the contact comes around to consciousness.

“So, are you supposed to escort me onto the plane or ride with me?” asks Kyle as he sets the man down on a bench.
“What? No, I was supposed to give you a new passport and plane ticket and leave.  I did not sign up to be a sparring partner for you.” the man stands up and stretches, puts an envelope in Kyle’s hand, nods and leaves Kyle behind to hail a cab.  Kyle strolls down the block, around the corner, and pulling out a set of keys he gets in his little rental car.  Starting the engine, he pulls into to traffic on his way to the airport.  All Kyle leaves behind him is bodies and broken dreams once again.
Logged
Gatac
Handler
*****
Posts: 929


The power of Stark compels you!


View Profile WWW
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2007, 09:44:27 AM »

Definately a step in the right direction. Still, needs more punctuation (Easy fix: Read out loud, put a comma whereever you make a pause), and the use of present tense should be avoided. It keeps your reader on edge, which is tiring for anything but a very short scene.

Gatac
Logged
Mister Andersen
Control
******
Posts: 10835


I'm leaving for a destination I still don't know


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2007, 09:49:22 AM »

I disagree - I find after a couple of decades of reading comics that I vastly prefer present tense for the sense of immediacy it creates
Logged

NezMaster
Handler
*****
Posts: 683



View Profile WWW
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2007, 11:55:34 AM »

Definately a step in the right direction. Still, needs more punctuation (Easy fix: Read out loud, put a comma whereever you make a pause), and the use of present tense should be avoided. It keeps your reader on edge, which is tiring for anything but a very short scene.

Gatac

Sorry gatac, but I agree with Anderson that the second is purely a styelistic choice.
Logged

90% of all statistics are wrong.
bull30548
Recruit
*
Posts: 18




View Profile
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2007, 12:05:38 PM »

I am trying to honestly go for a split in styles.  I want to save past tenses for certain sequences and present tenses for others.  It thrills me to know that the punctuation was better.  My question is the story still interesting or are you ready to get the muzzle?
Logged
Gatac
Handler
*****
Posts: 929


The power of Stark compels you!


View Profile WWW
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2007, 12:26:31 PM »

I don't have a hate-on for present tense, but I wouldn't use it for a whole story. Mostly, I avoid it because it's too easy to sound tedious when you use it. Short, tightly-written action? Oh yeah. A whole chapter? Tricky. Besides, I'm a big advocate of the "boring" basics. I'm always about finding your basic style before you go fancy. Walk before you run and all that. Smiley

As for the story, I'm kinda neutral on it so far. There's a lot of talking and exposition still, but I have no idea what's really going on yet. A general direction / objective should be visible - I'm guessing Kyle goes put the hurt on PERIL now, but he seems so uninvolved and "unemotional" that I have a hard time figuring his game out. It seems like he's going to kick ass because he hasn't got anything better to do. There's no involvement that I can see - some guys want to kill him, he kills them back, but why?  Why are they after him? You don't have to answer that now...but acknowledge that it's an important question. Either Kyle knows - in which case, tell us - or it's a mystery he himself is trying to solve.

Also, dialogue. Shorten it. Really. People use short sentences when they talk. Try it. It's fun. It works.

Gatac
Logged
Equinox
Recruit
*
Posts: 33


Demagogue in Training


View Profile
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2007, 06:43:01 PM »

I'm another in the camp of not having a lot of love for the present tense. I'm a traditionalist though, so I readily admit my bias. Differing tenses is one of those things that either you know how to do and do it well, or you do it okay and it comes out badly. I'm in the latter category, as are 90% of all writers out there.

Also, dialogue. Shorten it. Really. People use short sentences when they talk. Try it. It's fun. It works.

Gatac
And contrations. Most people (with the notable exception of Equinox; but he's cool like that - I mean, can you even picture the guy using slang? Exactly.) use contractions. It's rare to find the person who does not.
Logged

Umbrella * Fixer * Unique

React Charisma X: After an action targets Equinox: Wound the acting agent. Redirect the action to another agent. The TN is the acting agent's Craft.

"You were made the moment we hit the door. Now sit back down before someone does something regrettable."
Pages: [1] Go Up Print 
« previous next »
Jump to:  


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.13 | SMF © 2006-2011, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!